This song is off of Taylor Swift's newest album, it seems to always come on when I need to hear it, almost like an anthem, reminding me that "I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit".
Music is a funny thing. I have always leaned on music when my heart aches. The Sunday after he died, I came across the song "Pink Skies" by Zack Bryan. The song is every where now, it was released the day he died. We hadn't gone to sleep that night and we were all sitting on the front porch watching the sun come up. Actually, I spent quite a bit of time outside because I felt like I was suffocating. The sky that morning was the most perfect beautiful "Pink Sky".
Some things are just coincidences but I have learned that not everything is coincidental. Jordan would have told me I was full of shit and he didn't believe in signs, etc. I went up to see him Friday after the services, to talk with him, take a shot with him. On the way home, I was having a breakdown moment and a song came on the radio. "All I Ever Wanted" by Dean Lewis. I know all of his songs and this one I didn't recognize. As I listened to lyrics, it was almost like Jordan was answering me, or a perfect explanation of how I feel.
I looked up the song and when it released..... Thursday, May 30, 2024. The day we laid him to rest. This really could be a coincidence but is it? New music releases on Friday's, that is why it is called "New Music Friday".
I feel like every time I play music, a song comes on that makes me think of him. I was taking Beck to daycare the week after he died, I got in the car, a stupid 6IX9INE song came on. I started laughing, I haven't played or even heard that song in probably years. I hit next "I'm Yours" by Russel Dickerson comes on. What are the odds our wedding song comes on? Its not like that song is played regularly anymore. The new Shaboozey song "A Bar Song" might be Jordan's theme song. It makes me smile every time I hear it and it comes on every single time I go to see him.
Its been 2 long horrific weeks since my world was turned upside down again. Yup, again. I've been in deep thought and moving on auto pilot, so if you see me in a baseball hat, biker shorts and a dirty t-shirt, probably looking like I haven't showered in days, mind your business. I am going through it.
I am in the fire, the trenches and no one can help me through it. I have to do the work myself. So many people have asked how I am doing, the truth is, I'm not good. But then again, I don't believe if you asked me how I was doing before, I would have told you good. It has been 4 years since Kinsley and I will tell you, it doesn't get easier, it just gets normal. The pain is always there, you learn to live with it but it changes you.
You would think after experiencing trauma and dealing with death, one would know what to expect. Maybe that is the case in some ways but this seems much different, so much harder than when Kinsley passed. This has been soul crushing and to be honest, its been difficult to sleep, shower, eat, sometimes even breathing feels like work.
After Kinsley, I had a clear mind, I had answers. After Jordan, I have been in a daze, unsure of everything. Without the help of my friends, I am not sure I would have had it in me to put together his services. I still haven't been able to get on the phone with anyone. Maybe it is that I know how hard this is going to be and I don't want to have to do it again. But mostly, it is because the person who was in the fire with me, is no longer with me. We weren't even out of the trenches or through the storm yet.
If I even so much as let myself think past today, I find myself completely lost and unsure of everything. It is a scary place to be. So right now, I choose not to. All of the "firsts" are coming quick and there has been no time to prepare. I take everything one day at a time and try to find joy in the moment. One thing I did learn with Kinsley is that it is possible to be completely broken and find joy or laughter in moments. As people have come over and we share stories about him, I find myself laughing, it was exactly what my heart needed it. As Ry and Ford had their recognition, my heart was filled with pride. Helping Ava get ready for her 8th grade dance, made my heart happy. Emmry's birthday was a bittersweet moment as well. I am just so proud of her and the young woman she is becoming but at the same time my heart ached for her to experience it without him. As a family we sit around and just laugh at what a mess Beck is. She is exactly what this family needed. She always seems to make us feel something other than heartache. All of these kids are what I need and what makes getting up each day easier.
I always said that the day Kinsley died was the hardest day of my life and if I can make it through that, then no day after could ever be as hard. Well I lied. My husband dying was the hardest day of my life. I just have to keep telling myself "I can do it with a broken heart".
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